sadly i am not dead inside

i am in fact not dead inside, as much as i would like to be. in fact i am actually an extremely sensitive person, but i rarely let it be shown, because over the past 30 or so years i have truly perfected my act. i have spent a long time building walls and making sure i have my guard up. only because i believe if someone can see they hurt me they then have a power over me. sadly i have gotten so good at it that if i don’t have the wall/guard up and i get hurt, i just burst into tears like a big baby. i know that if i kept down the wall/guard i would probably learn to deal with being hurt better, but the thought of that actual terrifies me.

i often use humor to disguise my pain. i would rather be the first person to poke fun at myself, it makes me feel like i still have power and control of my faults if i bring them up first. also i grew up in a large extended family where i often heard “if i tease you it means i like you”, well that kind of always felt like bullying to me. now i love my family but there were times that i would dread seeing them because i knew i would be made fun of for one thing or another. now if i complained i would be told, ‘i am just joking, take a joke’. but i never liked that and what i couldn’t say was ‘no its not a joke and even it if is it still hurt me’. and i will never insult my nieces and nephew in the guise of a joke. i will lift them up, show them they are loved and that everyone has faults. i do believe that teasing by all sorts of people has caused me to build some walls (there were many other reasons too). if you have ever watched Will & Grace there is a scene with Will and Karen and they are taking their walls down, and when Karen takes a brick down she starts screaming… that is me. i have had these walls up for so long, i don’t know how to take them down without feeling way too exposed. i am not blaming anyone for this feeling, and therapist over the years have sort of tried to help but i always hated therapy so i never last long in it. and so since sensitive people are often told to suck it up and grow a thicker skin, i will in fact just put more bricks in my wall to keep other out.

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