Oh, 2019… what can I say about you?
Well, firstly I am going to be thrilled to see the end of you. RIP 2019. But while it been what I can only say has been a shit storm of a year, I do have things I have learned from this year.
It certainly wasn’t my best year, but admittedly it also wasn’t my worse year yet.
I didn’t die. I didn’t have surgery. I found a treatment for my Meniere’s disease that meant I spend far less time with debilitating vertigo.
My mental health faced of many challenges this year and overall I was not driven mad… maybe just a tad more guarded… but we all have our faults.
I also have come to realize I need to work better on accepting shit in my life and figuring out how to move forward. Because the way I have been doing it by bottling it all up and never talking about it, well it simply isn’t working. And I never thought it would. But I need to go through these stages, I needed to grieve.
I need to figure out what going deaf is going to do to my life and prepare. I am scared shitless, I won’t even try and lie. But I do know I have to figure out a way to cope with it, to accept it, to know my rights and options. When I fall back into a little bit of darkness because going deaf scares the shit out of me, I need to remember that’s ok too. I try to also be open about my life, because I know I am not alone in my struggles.
It sucks, I won’t lie, I have had about let’s see, zero, Christmas spirit this year. I tried I really did. I decorated my house, and put my dumb tree up. Honestly, how it is still standing I don’t know, the Doctor has loved it. I know the holidays are always hard for me. My anxiety acts up, my past bugs me more than any other time of year. But strangely I have also always loved Christmas, even with the memories and baggage.
However, the thing is this year it’s not either of them.
Its the problem I have been running from since 2018 when I found out my condition was in both ears and I was most likely going to be deaf within ten years. Going deaf made me leave Maryland where I truly had found happiness within myself. Now back in Rochester, I have been unsure often if I made the right choice. And while I will forever prefer the Maryland area, my family (blood and chosen) are here in Rochester and that is what I need to deal with this. And that is exactly what I have.
So yes, I have been struggling, barely keeping my head afloat, I know I will be ok. The bad days always pass and the good days are what make the pain and suffering worth it.
2019 you definitely tried to kick my ass, but look at me I am still standing. My motto in life is always fall down seven times, stand up eight. So here’s to a much better 2020. But not matter what I shall keep going.