It’s been a bit

Well its been a bit since I have posted on here and I feel super shitty about that so since I made new years resolution to post on here more… so  I best get cracking as its already almost April.

My main issue is I am still processing the fact that we elected that idiot as president. So fair warning if you are a Trump fan… fuck off. I am not interesting in debating with you, I could get in a better debate with a brick wall. But his election brought a lot to the surface for me. This country is just as homophobic, racist, sexist and xenophobic as a thought but the rest of you white breeders assured me it wasn’t. Well maybe you should have listened to all your non-white and non-straight friends when they said things were not as great as you were making them out to be.

Now I have come to realize during and after this ridiculous election that we just all lived through that most of my family and friends are just as liberal and if not more so than I am. But all of my gay and non-white friends are still scared shitless and while having allies is great, we are still going to suffer more than you are. And no that isn’t said to make you pity us… I am saying it because its true. I am reminded of the famous speech by Martin Niemöller:

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

And the fact is I will be one of the first groups of people his people come after and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t even know how to be process this. It has fucked with my head and brought up so much fear and anger in me. I am trying to channel it for good. But its hard not to just be bitter and angry.

So I shall try to start posting on here more and see if maybe through writing out my thoughts I can start to process this mess and find a bloody solution that doesn’t evolve moving to Canada, no matter how good I look in plaid….

 

New Challenges

Recently I started a new job at the company I work at, it was something I had never done before and completely new to me. But that is what appealed to me about it. I am a strongly believe if I don’t learn something new every day, it was a wasted day. For me learning is growing and I never want to stop learning. I was given this love of learning by my parents and I will be forever grateful. So here’s to new challenges in life and growing, learning and changing. PS… after my first week in the new job, I am loving it!

White Privilege

As a white woman its hard to understand what black people in this country are going through. However as a lesbian I do understand being part of a marginalized group. I was explaining to my sestra recently that everywhere I go I pay attention. I pay attention to my surrounding, the people, their actions, their mannerisms… so I can be safe. If I see someone wearing a confederate flag, I tend to be frightened, if they are willing to be openly racist they will have no issue being openly homophobic. The difference is for the most part I can still enjoy the privilege of being white and that my minority status is not “obvious”. But that doesn’t mean I am not standing up and trying to force my fellow white people to see that racism is still a huge issue in this country. I respect law enforcement however I believe I can respect them and demand they be held to a very high standard. As a pacifist I am completely against violence of all kinds and it breaks my heart that black men are being killed and what happened in Dallas was horrible as well. And being able to see both as tragic doesn’t mean I value one set of people lives over another… I believe in peace and love, in tolerance and acceptance. I struggle to put into words what these events are making me feel. However I do believe we need to talk more, we need to ask more questions, we need to be uncomfortable and hash out these issues so we can all grow and learn as a people. I try to have hope for humanity but times like these it is very hard. So lets talk, lets ask the hard questions, lets be uncomfortable, its the only way things will change.

My new normal

Well well well it’s been a bit since I have posted. Sometimes life gets in the way. I have been working a crazy amount but I am happy with where things are in my life. 

However when I went back to New York for thanksgiving I woke up on thanksgiving morning to the room spinning, and no I was not hungover. So I tried to just go with the flow and hoped it would go away. But sadly that was not to be. So once I got back home I went to my PCP. They said it might be vertigo and sent me to an ENT. I was pulled out of work and went to the ENT thinking they would send me to PT to have the crystals knocked back into place and my life would go back to normal. 

The ENT while asking me questions quickly realized this was not just vertigo. In fact vertigo was just one symptom I was having, I also had ear pain, ringing in my ear and fullness in my ears. They had me get a hearing test, CT scan, MRI and VNG (aka balance test). My hearing test showed a very minor amount of hearing loss but my MRI and CT scan were clear. But my VNG test showed a massive amount of damage to my left ear balance system, the doctor described my issue as a plane that was trying to fly with only one wing/engine. She said my balance system on the left would probably never come back but she also said she was impressed with how well I was coping given the damage. 

So I was told they think I have Ménière’s disease. It’s an autoimmune disease that attacks the inner ear. I may eventually lose some or all of my hearing and I will deal with crippling bouts of vertigo at times, the ringing and ear pain will also remain. I was terrified to get this news. I came home and cried my eyes out. I didn’t want my life to change. I wanted to go back to “normal”. But over the next week or so I came to realize while I won’t go back to “normal” ever again I can get to a new normal. I can learn to cope and live my life with as much as happiness and joy as before. I have always over come challenges, many of my own making in the past but this was just another challenge and one I can certainly over come. Life is short, scary, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. This won’t change that, it will just change my outlook and force me to take better care of myself. 

I know I am lucky. I have amazing friends and family all willing to help and support me. I have a great job that actually cares about me and not just as employee but as a person. My job gives me health coverage that makes dealing with all this easier. So I know I will be ok. I know I will get used to my new normal and be just as happy as before. So here’s to 2016 and making it another great year. 

Big News

OK that is a very misleading subject line/header… because its not really that big of news expect I bit the bullet and decided to buy the domain name of iwasatypo.com because there has never been a better domain name for me to buy. My twitter handle is @iwasatypo (recently updated to that) and I truly feel the name fits me. So since I decided to buy the name, I will be forced to update this blog more often. I have a lot to say but often edit myself out of fear of upsetting people… well be warned that has ended. I am ready to release my inner demon and post my opinions and thoughts and not give two shits what people think. Plus my seestra, Gracie is always motivating me to write more and since my life is finally in a very good place I figure why not take that chance and get cracking on what I truly love doing, writing. So watch this space… more is coming… poetry, thoughts, opinions, and hopefully updates on how the stories I am writing are going. But mainly this space will be filled with the paradox of contradictions with is me.

Signs you are getting older

Here are a few things that have made me realize I am getting older:

– Falling asleep with your reading glasses on.

– Getting a bill that is lower than expected and you do a little happy dance, but then have to stop that dance being you have bad knees.

– Being excited you slept past 7 on the weekends.

– Going to bed before 9 not because your sick but you are just tired.

– Loving DVR because you don’t have to struggle to stay awake to watch shows that are on late at night.

– Making statements like: ‘Kids now a days have it so easy’, ‘When I was that age I didn’t act that way’, or you see a young man with his pants hanging around his knees and yell ‘pull your damn pants up’ and he does it and says sorry ma’am.

– You have learned to enjoy silence and would prefer more people would too, preferably the small minded fools who seem to yell loudest.

– You worry about your parents all the time and realize a small amount of what they must have felt when you were a kid.

– Getting frustrated with technology and wish your favorite XP operating system was still in use.

– Realizing that as a kid whatever age you are now seemed super old yet now that you are that age you still feel very young at heart.

– Learning that not everything is worth getting upset about, this world is full with a lot of bad things (events, people, etc.), but its the little things that make your life better, a smile on your nieces face, and silly text from your nephew, getting pictures of your parents loving retirement.

– Getting older but knowing you are truly happier than you have ever been. Things may not be perfect but considering what other go through life is good.

 

Semantics

Well I guess some people didn’t bother to heed my warning about arguing with me on FB or more importantly arguing the semantics of my post. People who get my way of thinking and talking will know I tend to make sweeping generalizations to make a point. Often times making sweeping generalizations is the easiest way of say something – its like this, I say the grass is green, now are some yellow and when grass is dead is it brown, yes, but my point was more about grass in general. I also know that I have opinions about group of people and I have ever right to say that in general I don’t like the way that group acts. Now do I realize not all people in a group act a certain way of course. But do I really need to point out all the little things about the group that don’t act that way…. no. Why, because if you know me, truly know me you know I know in every group some people can be good even if on a whole the group is behaving badly. So I am going to go a bit without logging in to FB (at least until the holiday season is over) and if I enjoyed being off the site I will delete my account.  I am already much happier about it.

Yup I think about this stuff

If you have ever lived alone you may understand these rather ‘irrational’ fear and thoughts that go through your mind. Here is just a few I have come across when living alone:

-If you start choking, there is no one there to give you the Heimlich or call 911. And you keep meaning to look up how to give yourself the Heimlich but keep forgetting to and once your already choking it is really too late. (Note to self: Look this up)

-If you are a suspect in a crime you have no alibi since a court of law is not going to allow your cat to be a witness, to explain the evening you spent yelling at them to stop breaking things and not committing the crime you are being accused of. (I might watch a lot of the Investigation Discovery channel.)

-The fear that if a madman breaks into your house you have no one to hide behind or offer up to kill first. (I watch a lot of Law & Order too.)

-The fear that one day while having a conversation with your cat they actually respond and tell you how they really feel about you. (My guess it would involve a lot of swearing and complaining about the food.)

-When you hear a weird noise you have no one to send out to investigate to see if it is that mean ghost you are convinced is haunting you, since your cat is always staring at random part of the ceiling looking very much like they saw a ghost. (Or even worse an alien!)

 

 

Facebook, just might be the devil’s work

Facebook can be a great way to keep in touch with people, but it also can be a great way to piss people off or have them piss you off. Over the years I have seriously thought about getting rid of Facebook but the problem is that now a days it is the way everyone keeps in touch. People never send me emails anymore, I get Facebook messages. I only get texts from a few people, which is fine with me, but I feel like email should not be replaced by Facebook messages. The fact is if I got rid of Facebook I would no longer know what is going on with my friends and family, since most of them live 400 plus miles away from me and they are not going to take the time to send an email detailing what they just posted on Facebook (and I get that). And I do like that I can go to one place and keep up with everyone, so I guess that is one very nice thing Facebook has going for it.

But onto the biggest issue with Facebook… pissing people off or getting pissed off. A few months ago I posted a story off of BBC News about a conflict in the middle east going on at the time, and I had a member of my extended family take great offense to me posting it and for having an opinion on the matter that differed from them. They in fact took such offense that since that point they have never commented or liked a single thing of mine (and they used to do that quite often). Now I am not feeling a great loss at this, as they were an extended family member I might have met once as a child and have no memory of it, so if they are going to chose to stop contact with me over me sharing a different opinion, well quite honestly its their loss. The fact is I did not post it to upset them, I am not that petty, I do honestly have better things to do with my time and I piss people off enough with the regular shit I post, I don’t seek out things to post to upset people. But I am an opinionated person and if people can’t handle me posting things they might not agree with I quite honestly suggest they stop all contact with me. Anything I post on Facebook I will gladly debate in person.

However as a skilled debater I know one key thing… when there is no hope. That is the situation when the two people have such opposite opinions on a matter and both feel so passionately about their opinions there is no hope of either side seeing the other sides valid points. In those cases, you just throw up your hands and say fuck it and move on.

Yet that brings me to my other beef with Facebook… why comment on someone else status if you disagree. Why start an argument online? The thing is I never post on peoples statuses that I strongly disagree with… why because they have ever right to post it and I simply scroll past it. I have no reason to argue the finer points of my opinion when in reality I know it pointless. And it only leads to hurt feelings. Now I don’t go on Facebook to make my life better or to be validated by it, however I do not like getting pissed off by it. I seem to be one of those people that other people love to argue with. Numerous times I have had friends or often my dad text me saying “I see you have another arguer!” It is true I do like a good debate and intelligent conversation. But if you can tell that your opinion is completely opposite of mine and I feel strongly about the topic, why argue your point. Do what I do and post your own status spouting off your opinion.

So in conclusion I will state that I really think I am getting to the point in my life where I really do feel I dislike the human race in general and despise human contact due to that. And I blame Facebook for taking away that need to pick up the phone and call someone (however please don’t call me I hate talking on the phone) or send an email to them to keep up with them. I am not saying that Facebook is evil (though maybe I am), I am simply pointing out that Facebook has replaced that personal contact we all used to have, and this probably makes me sounds like a grumpy old lady (and don’t worry I feel like one a lot lately), but I do miss actually getting personal emails, where they told you what was going on in their life and then asked about your and you went back and forth like that and it wasn’t instant, you had to wait for a response, and responses are carefully thought out. But I guess as they say you need to change with the times, so I guess I shall try to do my best at that.

sadly i am not dead inside

i am in fact not dead inside, as much as i would like to be. in fact i am actually an extremely sensitive person, but i rarely let it be shown, because over the past 30 or so years i have truly perfected my act. i have spent a long time building walls and making sure i have my guard up. only because i believe if someone can see they hurt me they then have a power over me. sadly i have gotten so good at it that if i don’t have the wall/guard up and i get hurt, i just burst into tears like a big baby. i know that if i kept down the wall/guard i would probably learn to deal with being hurt better, but the thought of that actual terrifies me.

i often use humor to disguise my pain. i would rather be the first person to poke fun at myself, it makes me feel like i still have power and control of my faults if i bring them up first. also i grew up in a large extended family where i often heard “if i tease you it means i like you”, well that kind of always felt like bullying to me. now i love my family but there were times that i would dread seeing them because i knew i would be made fun of for one thing or another. now if i complained i would be told, ‘i am just joking, take a joke’. but i never liked that and what i couldn’t say was ‘no its not a joke and even it if is it still hurt me’. and i will never insult my nieces and nephew in the guise of a joke. i will lift them up, show them they are loved and that everyone has faults. i do believe that teasing by all sorts of people has caused me to build some walls (there were many other reasons too). if you have ever watched Will & Grace there is a scene with Will and Karen and they are taking their walls down, and when Karen takes a brick down she starts screaming… that is me. i have had these walls up for so long, i don’t know how to take them down without feeling way too exposed. i am not blaming anyone for this feeling, and therapist over the years have sort of tried to help but i always hated therapy so i never last long in it. and so since sensitive people are often told to suck it up and grow a thicker skin, i will in fact just put more bricks in my wall to keep other out.