sadly i am not dead inside

i am in fact not dead inside, as much as i would like to be. in fact i am actually an extremely sensitive person, but i rarely let it be shown, because over the past 30 or so years i have truly perfected my act. i have spent a long time building walls and making sure i have my guard up. only because i believe if someone can see they hurt me they then have a power over me. sadly i have gotten so good at it that if i don’t have the wall/guard up and i get hurt, i just burst into tears like a big baby. i know that if i kept down the wall/guard i would probably learn to deal with being hurt better, but the thought of that actual terrifies me.

i often use humor to disguise my pain. i would rather be the first person to poke fun at myself, it makes me feel like i still have power and control of my faults if i bring them up first. also i grew up in a large extended family where i often heard “if i tease you it means i like you”, well that kind of always felt like bullying to me. now i love my family but there were times that i would dread seeing them because i knew i would be made fun of for one thing or another. now if i complained i would be told, ‘i am just joking, take a joke’. but i never liked that and what i couldn’t say was ‘no its not a joke and even it if is it still hurt me’. and i will never insult my nieces and nephew in the guise of a joke. i will lift them up, show them they are loved and that everyone has faults. i do believe that teasing by all sorts of people has caused me to build some walls (there were many other reasons too). if you have ever watched Will & Grace there is a scene with Will and Karen and they are taking their walls down, and when Karen takes a brick down she starts screaming… that is me. i have had these walls up for so long, i don’t know how to take them down without feeling way too exposed. i am not blaming anyone for this feeling, and therapist over the years have sort of tried to help but i always hated therapy so i never last long in it. and so since sensitive people are often told to suck it up and grow a thicker skin, i will in fact just put more bricks in my wall to keep other out.

being related matters little to me

recently i have been thinking about what is family and who and what you include in your family. now maybe because i am a lesbian who grow up in the 80’s and 90’s when gay people had little to no rights and where not accepted the way we are now that i have always seemed to have a more fluid definition of family. some people say your family is only those people you are related to via blood or marriage. but that is not my definition of family because i have two. there is the family you were born into and then the family you choose and create over the course of your life. now there are some people who are part of the family i was born into and part of my chosen family. but i am more than willing to believe if you piss me off enough i will remove people from my chosen family, no matter what binds us. i include my good friends in my family, why? well i want to, but also because one of my biggest requirement for me including you in my family is that you are supportive and up lifting. i am no longer willing to accept people being a huge part of my life who put me down, are unsupportive and make me feel worse about myself. i have been through a lot in my time on this earth and i refuse to waste one more second on people that make me feel bad or less than them. i have a huge put peeve with people who disguise their insults with humor, i enjoy a good laugh and myself can be extremely offensive but i don’t attack or insult my loved ones. i want people to smile and laugh and walk away from being around me and think “i had a great time”, not “i hate being around her”.

my chosen family includes many different groups. i consider my best friend, Gracie, and her husband my family and i am honored their kids call me aunt jes. i get irritated when people say oh but your not really their aunt. the fact is i am, i spoil them and love them just as much as i do my brothers daughter. and what Gracie and i to included in our family should be of no concern to anyone. is it hurting others, damaging the kids, no. i am simply another person in their lives who loves and supports them. i also consider my cat, bear, my family. i spend more time with her than anyone else in this world, she helps me stay positive and happy when living alone. she is also my best friend in many ways, our nightly routine involves me turning all the lights off (she follows me into the bedroom), taking the comforter off the bed, then going to brush my teeth (she often sits on the toilet while i do this) then i go get into bed and she jumps up flops over next to me and we cuddle (i give her belly rubs) until i fall asleep. when i am sad she cheers me up, if i cry she licks the tears off my face and if i am stressed she sits on me to force me to calm down. there are not too many human friends i have that comfort me in so many ways. so if i consider her family what the hell does it matter to you. it doesn’t but i have some people in my life who seem to take great offense that i love and care about my cat. in many ways maybe if they stopped caring so damn much how i view my cat and just care about me and my life we would be a hell of a lot closer.

so in conculsion i shall say i have chosen my family and i have chosen to include many people that might not be included in a traditional view of family but traditional is one thing i am not. but if you want to define your family in only the traditional way that ok too. i am very much a too each his own kinda gal and i wish more people in the world were too.

a quote from hackers, 2 of my favorite authors and me

“Yak yak yak, get a job.” – Hackers

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ― A.A. Milne

“I like juice.” – me

i hate people. here is why

i hate people. now that might sound like a sweeping generalization and in fact it is, but with the exception of a few fabulous people in my life, i hate everyone else. from my experience most people are selfish. and while i am selfish, its more in the way of hey don’t eat the last lime popsicle, i want it. not in the way of i only care about what is going on directly around me and directly effects me. i also dislike them because they don’t want to be uplifting and loving. i have come to realize if you don’t make me feel better about life, or keep me at the same level of discontent with life, then i don’t need you in my life. i also don’t want small minded people in my life. for some reason and i don’t know why but everyone seems to love arguing with me. and while i love a good argument, when you come from an ignorant and small mind background, i am not getting involved. and because i am a huge bitch its very hard for me to not try and provoke these people. instead i try to just step back and say i am not doing this. which is why i love my gracie, she is my best friend and sister i never had. she and i can disagree on subject but we both come to the table with educated opinions and an open mind. now gracie is pretty much one in a million because no one has ever consistently been so open, honest and accepting of me as she has. i am pretty sure she is a unicorn. however i also blame her, she brought my expectation level up of how friends and family should make you feel. thanks a lot for that gracie.

disclaimer i am a paradox of contradictions

i will post this right off the bat so there are no misunderstandings. first off i often describe myself as a paradox of contradictions. which is you know me you would completely agree. i tell people i don’t like being put in a box with my opinions, beliefs and actions yet i often would prefer if other would fit in a box. why? because it makes things easier for me. 

but i figured i would give a little background on myself. i am in my mid-30’s living in the washington dc area, i am single and enjoying being that way. i am a registered independent, i went to school for public justice so i love observing the actions of our government, yet i disagree with them most of the time. i love music, reading, writing (duh i started a blog and i am working on a few novels). i am a geek, not a nerd and yes there is a difference. i love the news and i rarely believe the news from major US news outlets. i am an introvert but once you know me i won’t shut up. i have very few people i truly let in, but i am ferociously loyal. i have made many many mistakes in my past, but i learned so much about myself and others through those mistakes. i can be very opinionated and a massive bitch. i watch a lot of british tv and very little american tv. and i am a massive chelsea football club fan, i bleed blue. and finally i have a cat that runs my life. these are just a few things about myself i wanted to share before i post too much more. 
i will probably be posting about current events, personal events, and random shit that i feel like sharing. i will probably post random quotes every now and then that i love. but most importantly you must realize i am such a paradox of contradictions that my best friend created the term “jeslogic” to explain my thought process, it is truly unique to me, but isn’t everyone really! oh i am also dyslexic so if there are spelling or grammar mistakes, don’t fret i will catch them eventually. 

things are going crazy

if you are alive, have a TV, access to the internet and don’t live under a rock you are seeing what has been going on in Ferguson. now i am not going to get into my opinion on this matter too much. i however will simply say that i really hope that my nieces and nephew grow up to live in a world where we celebrate our differences and love each other in spite of our faults. i believe everyone needs to work together in tough times, to talk and hash out your differences on an issue and come to a common understand of how to go forward. however sadly i don’t know if that will ever happen. but that won’t stop me from hoping it will and doing my part to make things better.