Not a bad weekend…

This is the little balcony garden I have at my apartment. I wish I had a house and a large lawn to garden but I don’t so I make the space I have work. This year I planted: numerous basil plants, parsley, rosemary, lemongrass, mint, French lavender, a stevia plant, 4 cherry tomato plants, coleus and flowers including my favorite, snapdragons.

I met this little monster at one of the gardening centers I went to yesterday:

cat

I still need to get a small table and possibly another chair but slowly it’s getting there.

I am really trying hard to enjoy life and not focus on going deaf but instead focus on the things in life I love and will continue to love whether I can hear or not. I will eventually accept going deaf properly and cope and deal with it.

But right now I am still just taking it day by day.  So far this weekend has been 2 very good days for me. And spent lots of quality time with this demon.

I’ll always look forward to better days ahead

Spoiler alert: this blog post will be long and slightly discombobulated. 

I have known for a few months now that I was losing hearing in my “good” ear. I have Meniere’s disease which affects the inner ear. It can cause ear pain and pressure, ringing in the ears, vertigo and most fun of all hearing loss. About three years ago when this started I was hoping to be able to save the hearing in my right ear. My left ear never really went back to normal after it flared up. If I stuck to the low sodium diet, ate healthily, exercised often and got plenty of rest I could keep it that way, or so I hoped.

Three years on I have coped pretty well all things considering. I have moderate/severe hearing loss in my left ear.  I don’t get too many bouts of vertigo and I have gotten very good at working through those. I get ear infections much more often but medications help to make that manageable. The ringing in the ear can be maddening however I know when that stops it will also mean my hearing has gone. And as indicated earlier my hearing in my good ear has decided to go. My ENT is hoping that the hearing loss in this ear will progress much slower than it has in my left. My left ear has never had any hope, poor thing.  However, I have had to accept that I will go completely or “legally” deaf in both ears. I am hoping I have five to ten years until that happens.

I am pretty pissed off about it honestly. But I also know being pissing off about it won’t change a thing. I have to figure out a way to make this challenge work and just move on. I am allowing myself to be angry about it. I feel robbed. I am pissed, I feel like I have really been through enough shit in my life taking my hearing is a sick joke. I love music. Music has quite literally saved my life on more than one occasion. My struggles with mental health issues consumed my twenties. But I pulled through that. I got help. I found my inner peace and started smiling again because I liked me again. Sure I still hit some bumps, I have never taken the easy path in life. But I always got back up, dusted my self off and figured my shit out. I took a huge chance and moved 400 miles away from my friends and family to prove to myself I was ok. And I was and I truly found my home down here.

Then Menieres decided to strike me. Now I have to think about things like where do I learn sign language. I need to get the apartment complex to install a fire alarm with a strobe light since sound won’t always be able to wake me. I need to get an alarm clock that shakes the bed to wake me in the morning. All of that is super annoying but to know I will one day not be able to hear breaks my heart. I won’t hear the sound of my cat purr or meow, the sounds of city life and traffic, the sound of laughter, the sound of birds in the morning, the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, the sound of my friends and family just talking.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. One minute I am angry about it, then crying about it, then sucking it up and getting on. Right now I am trying to cope my way. I am letting myself be angry, I am even letting myself cry and I am trying to enjoy as many sounds as I can before it happens. I always hated the term bucket list but fuck it. I am going to have a bucket list of sounds to hear before I go deaf. I am going to see Radiohead in July with my brother. I went to the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra the other night. I want to go see Carmen this summer again. I want to see Austra in concert. There are so many things I can’t even begin to list them all. My brother and I will be still going to concerts when I am deaf, nothing will ever break that bond between us.

I am in awe of my parent’s determination to be right there with me and refusing to even slightly budge. Up front, I will admit both of them will have sign language mastered way before I do! I put them both through a lot and I know this is hard on them, they hate seeing me hurting in any way. They know I will get through it though. I am just like my mother and father in my stubborn determination to never give in. It is definitely a family trait.

So I am going to go deaf and I need to figure it out. It is going to be difficult at times and my life will definitely be different but still good. I refuse to let it change my inner peace I will be OK. I refuse to give in to the darkness it has cast on me. I will go through the stages of grief about it and cope because there is no other option. I will fall down a few times, I will have to ask for help (something I absolutely hate doing) but I am smart enough to know I can’t do it all on my own. SO these next few month and years might be a little discombobulated (much like this post) while I figure this shit out. But I will figure it out. I always do….

2017 bye girl

2017 I had such high hopes for you and to be honest you didn’t live up to them. However, I did change my goals and plans mid-year and while the road was bumpy at times I made it and I am better off for having gone through what I did. As much as I hate the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ it is true. This year I had my heart tested, my mental health tested and my strength to keep going tested but I made it. I survived. And I am in a better place now. I know what I want and where I want to go. I refuse to settle ever again. So while this past year definitely turned out very different than I planned, I believe I ended the year exactly where I need to be. Working and focusing only on me. I wasted way too many years trying to please others or be someone I wasn’t. But now I know myself better, I can be honest with myself about what I need to do. And while I am still working on myself overall I can look in the mirror and be ok with the woman I see looking back at me. She isn’t perfect far from it but she is me and I like me, flaws and all. So here is to hoping 2018 takes me exactly where I need to go. Where ever that may lead I am ready for it.

“Not all those who wander are lost.” – J. R. R. Tolkien

There is only one side

I was home today and had CNN on when I saw the President of the United States news conference, it made me sick to my stomach. As a lesbian, I have known the president was not on my side all along. And yes I voted for Clinton and I am proud of my vote for, damn proud! After she lost people told me to give Trump a chance, wait and see if he takes my rights away. Well guess what we aren’t even a year into his presidency and it’s been far worse than I imagined it would be. I dread when I see an alert on my phone, fearing it will be an alert letting me know we just started WWIII.

But when it comes to this last weekend and the events in Charlottesville I have to say enough is enough. Our president showed his true colors today, he is a white supremacist, full stop. The fact is this country is just as racist, homophobic, sexist and xenophobic as I thought, but my cis/white/straight friends and family all tried to say I was wrong. I wish I was wrong. I wish this was all a really bad dream and I could wake up and be living under a Clinton presidency. But that isn’t the reality, the reality is white America elected a racist idoit to our highest office because they are scared their white privilege is waning and they don’t like that. Well guess what it is and it should. And guess what me, other LGBTQ people, anyone who is not-white as the right to exist and to have the same right as straight white america. Nazi’s and white supremacist don’t have a side they have hate. They are marching to say I don’t have the right to be alive or have rights. They want us all rounded up and killed. So no Mr. President this isn’t a problem that has two sides. This only has one side and you sir are on the wrong side of history.

I can only hope this makes straight white America wake up and start fighting with the rest of us. White people created this problem and we need to fix it.

grandpa

I think the most important thing I ever learned from my Grandpa was you never give up. He was crushed from the waist down with a massive tractor when my mom was 6 months old, told he would never walk again or have more kids. He walked with a cane right up until the end. (I used to steal his cane and hide it.) He also had 4 more kids. The other thing I will remember is how he never changed how he treated me when he found out I was gay. He probably didn’t understand it but that didn’t matter, I was his granddaughter and he loved me no matter what. It wasn’t until he were gone that I realized how much he helped shape my life. I miss him.

Yesterday would have been my grandfather’s 99th birthday… 317116_10150332188307844_433119668_n